I signed up for an audition. Youth Music Theatre UK. My session is this saturday in London. 2 hours of a "workshop audition" that might get me into one of their 8 shows around the UK. I'll be auditioned and watched by some of the top directors and musical theatre people in the UK.

Can you imagine how amazing it would be if I actually got casted! Even as a teeny weeny microcosmic role???

Although I didnt even make my school's musical audition. And I'm pretty much competing with about 400 people all over the UK, aged 11 to 21...

My toes are crossed. Please just lend me ALL YOUR POWERS my kind friends!!!! I promise you I'll stop smoking for the rest of this week. Promise. I just want a little something to be proud of and happy for..


When you get used to disappointment...

Disclaimer: This is a purely self-purposed entry. Read at your own risk.

I think I found the turning points in my life. The first being when I quarrelled with my project mates in Sec2, that made me feel like shit. And the time when I rejected the leadership role when I was back in Nanyang, for Girl Guides. That was the time I turned inwards and closed up forever.

I never quarrelled with anyone from then on. I never put myself in a "powerful" position. And just let myself, float really.

And I cant help but blame my parents for this. They were the ones who hated me for being so involved. They stopped me from doing more things than I should -- that is, I shouldnt do anything but study and get As. I wanted to go to Denmark for a camping trip in Sec3, and I faced so many obstacles. I wanted to go to Chiang Mai for a YEP trip in J1, they stopped me without further considerations. I wanted to go to Morocco in my Easter holidays as a charity Hitch Hike trip, again, the answer was just "NO".

Studying Theatre Studies was my greatest desire and need, really. I wanted to be good at it, since I was never really "good" at it. My flatmate commented recently "You dont know Shakespeare!?! And you want to do theatre???" That comment really made me really angry and upset at the same time. As much as I hate her for it, it is unfortunately true. Being perpetually lousy at what you want to excel in is really an unenjoyable feeling. That was my reason for wanting to do theatre as a degree. A one-year plus fight finally ended in my tragic loss. Battle beaten, I have no intentions to stand again.

My mom just said she was "extremely disappointed" with me for not being to make friends here. All I can say is, I never wanted to. Especially not with the people in my course. I refused to believe I was doing Economics. I didnt want anything to prove to me that that is what I am doing, and will be doing for the next 3 years. But it just keeps coming back to me. (duh.) People around me are ALL doing what they chose. Even though there are people who said they're doing it cos it's practical, they BELIEVE in practicality, and hence, they're completely fine with doing econs. Even people who dont deserve to be doing theatre studies are doing it. And now, some singaporeans whom I know, are going for the morocco trip.

I want to shut down completely from the outside world, but I cant, cos that's all I have.

I go for photography opportunities and juggling workshops, auditions and more auditions. But everything involves being with people who are so happy with what they're doing. I just cant bear the thought that I'm not, and I cant be, because I have to report back to "parents". And OBVIOUSLY, they want me to earn loads and loads and loads of money, regardless of whether I am happy.

I know that there are many people out there who believe that one day my dreams will come true. But I need to be able to survive to see that day. And for me, there's no such thing as a future. The future becomes the present eventually, and that's the only tangible thing.

Although, even if I confront my parents one day, I'm not too sure if I'll be able to completely get back on my feet. I suppose I'm just extremely unmotivated yet at the same time, I cant wait to be extremely motivated. Anyway, I wont win. I never have.

Audrey, where are you?

In liew of the Christian Union (CU) campaign in my school over the past week, I shall make a comment. As did many people who published their opinions in my school's weekly newspaper. I promise that I shall not make any senseless slammings and ignorant comments. Promise k.

Anyway, the tag line for the campaign was "Are You Satisfied?". The answer given by the CU was simply "God". All our "misery" and "sufferings" of life to be solved under the ever-so-powerful three-letter-word. One of the issues brought up by one of the writers was that of sexuality. Anti gay-sex, anti pre-marital sex, anti, well, sex really. And all these simply because "the Bible contains explicit social (and sexual) instuction." This really bugged me. This writer was particularly concerned about kindness. Kindness towards people, people with different sexual orientations, people who have pre-marital sex and have abortions. Given such "instructions" in the Bible, is it possible to be sincerely kind to these people?

"Being kind to those you know isn't enough; to be kind and reasonable to all, you cannot have a theology controlling your actions."

Well, enough said. Religion is a tiresome and possibly outdated topic. I leave it up to one word - choice. Point is, don't simplify life's problems. Don't let the words "fill the void in your life with God" escape your mouth so goddamnit easily. And most importantly, be kind to all humankind, or you will not welcomed into anywhere near 1000miles around me.

"I have met plenty of satisfied atheists and plenty of unsatisfied Christians in my time, for the simple reason that religion is not a magic band aid."

Anyway. The Tate Gallery in London recently spent GDP22300 on 90 cans of shit from an artist, that exploded due to expanding gases in the gallery. HAH.

Answer if you dare. You’ve been warned…

1. What was the craziest thing you did on a day you skipped school?
Crash another school.
2. Have you ever fantasized about a teacher?
Too many.
3. What’s the most embarrassing thing you ever got caught doing by your parents?
Er. Singing to myself? I'm really careful. hah.
4. What CD do you own that might surprise most people?
Aqua. (I'm a barbie girl in my barbie world....)
5. What is your biggest “Guilty Pleasure” movie?
Honey, A Lot Like Love (heh.)
6. What’s the grossest thing you know you’ve eaten?
A flower. and peas.
7. What’s the biggest sacrifice you’ve ever made to make a significant other happy?
Hmmm..
8. Have you ever had sex with someone totally out of pity?
Nope.
9. How much money would it take for you to cut off your pinky?
All the money in the world.
10. How many times have you woken up to coyote syndrome (if you don't know what that is - you might've been the cause - lol)?
Poot.
11. If you had an STD with no visible symptoms, would you warn each new partner even if condoms were used?
Hmmm.. depends.
12. Have you ever taken cash from a parent’s wallet?
With permission.
13. A friend/roommate’s wallet?
For fun.
14. How many of your “Top Friends” have you fantasized about?
Hmm. None. Friends are friends for a reason I suppose.
15. Have you/would you tell them?
Nope. Typical me.
16. Have you ever watched tv (not porn) during sex ignoring your partner?
AHAHAHha. no.
17. How much money would it take for you to pose for Playboy/Playgirl?
About S$100,000 per photo.
18. What’s the most public place you’ve performed a sexual act with a partner?
A balcony.
19. By yourself? In PUBLIC?
Neverrr.
20. Would you sleep with someone you weren’t attracted to physically just because they were famous?
HMMM. If I'm not attracted, then no.
21. What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told to get laid?
None.
22. Have you ever made friends with someone just to hook up with their sibling?
Hah. no.
23. Have you ever hooked up with siblings (not YOUR siblings dummy – lol)?
Never. This is getting boring.
24. What’s the lamest reason you broke up with someone (actual reason – not reason you told them)?
I'm always the one getting dumped. Though it happened only once. hah.
25. What reason did you actually give?
...
26. Have you lied about any of your answers so far?
I never lie. But I dont tell the truth either. HAH.
27. Have you ever kicked/punched a pet out of frustration?
NO.
28. If your best friend cheated on their fiancé during their bachelor/bachlorette party – what would you do?
Seduce the guy.
29. What is the most sexual acts you’ve engaged in within a 24 hour time period (not number of different acts - just number of acts)?
Ahahaha. Never more than 2. (You know, it really isnt as exciting as it sounds. Really. I'm still an innocent nanyang girl.)
30.What’s the worst/harshest revenge you ever took out on an ex?
Nothing.
31. Have you ever made out with a member of the same sex (not friendly "girlfriend hello" kisses)?
LOL. yea.
32. Name a celebrity most people wouldn't find attractive but you're strangely drawn to:
Hmm.Ewan McGregor? Katherine Moennig (heh heh heh. but she's REALLY attractive tho.)
33. What's the most partners you've had definite sexual activity with within a 24 hour time frame (not necessarily at the same time).
none.
34. Have you ever tasted your own "juices?"
hmmm.
35. Which sex is better: make up sex or sex with an ex?
Hmm.
36. What one person could make you miss the Superbowl cause he or she wanted to have sex with you?
I dont watch Superbowl.
37. Do you think you are hot?
To myself -- yes. Hell yes. Ahahaha.
38. Major turn-on??
Haha. *thinks* Boring answer: Kindness and childishness. Exciting answer: girls. fictional characters.

Something bad is happening...