Disclaimer: This is a purely self-purposed entry. Read at your own risk.
I think I found the turning points in my life. The first being when I quarrelled with my project mates in Sec2, that made me feel like shit. And the time when I rejected the leadership role when I was back in Nanyang, for Girl Guides. That was the time I turned inwards and closed up forever.
I never quarrelled with anyone from then on. I never put myself in a "powerful" position. And just let myself, float really.
And I cant help but blame my parents for this. They were the ones who hated me for being so involved. They stopped me from doing more things than I should -- that is, I shouldnt do anything but study and get As. I wanted to go to Denmark for a camping trip in Sec3, and I faced so many obstacles. I wanted to go to Chiang Mai for a YEP trip in J1, they stopped me without further considerations. I wanted to go to Morocco in my Easter holidays as a charity Hitch Hike trip, again, the answer was just "NO".
Studying Theatre Studies was my greatest desire and need, really. I wanted to be good at it, since I was never really "good" at it. My flatmate commented recently "You dont know Shakespeare!?! And you want to do theatre???" That comment really made me really angry and upset at the same time. As much as I hate her for it, it is unfortunately true. Being perpetually lousy at what you want to excel in is really an unenjoyable feeling. That was my reason for wanting to do theatre as a degree. A one-year plus fight finally ended in my tragic loss. Battle beaten, I have no intentions to stand again.
My mom just said she was "extremely disappointed" with me for not being to make friends here. All I can say is, I never wanted to. Especially not with the people in my course. I refused to believe I was doing Economics. I didnt want anything to prove to me that that is what I am doing, and will be doing for the next 3 years. But it just keeps coming back to me. (duh.) People around me are ALL doing what they chose. Even though there are people who said they're doing it cos it's practical, they BELIEVE in practicality, and hence, they're completely fine with doing econs. Even people who dont deserve to be doing theatre studies are doing it. And now, some singaporeans whom I know, are going for the morocco trip.
I want to shut down completely from the outside world, but I cant, cos that's all I have.
I go for photography opportunities and juggling workshops, auditions and more auditions. But everything involves being with people who are so happy with what they're doing. I just cant bear the thought that I'm not, and I cant be, because I have to report back to "parents". And OBVIOUSLY, they want me to earn loads and loads and loads of money, regardless of whether I am happy.
I know that there are many people out there who believe that one day my dreams will come true. But I need to be able to survive to see that day. And for me, there's no such thing as a future. The future becomes the present eventually, and that's the only tangible thing.
Although, even if I confront my parents one day, I'm not too sure if I'll be able to completely get back on my feet. I suppose I'm just extremely unmotivated yet at the same time, I cant wait to be extremely motivated. Anyway, I wont win. I never have.
Audrey, where are you?
I think I found the turning points in my life. The first being when I quarrelled with my project mates in Sec2, that made me feel like shit. And the time when I rejected the leadership role when I was back in Nanyang, for Girl Guides. That was the time I turned inwards and closed up forever.
I never quarrelled with anyone from then on. I never put myself in a "powerful" position. And just let myself, float really.
And I cant help but blame my parents for this. They were the ones who hated me for being so involved. They stopped me from doing more things than I should -- that is, I shouldnt do anything but study and get As. I wanted to go to Denmark for a camping trip in Sec3, and I faced so many obstacles. I wanted to go to Chiang Mai for a YEP trip in J1, they stopped me without further considerations. I wanted to go to Morocco in my Easter holidays as a charity Hitch Hike trip, again, the answer was just "NO".
Studying Theatre Studies was my greatest desire and need, really. I wanted to be good at it, since I was never really "good" at it. My flatmate commented recently "You dont know Shakespeare!?! And you want to do theatre???" That comment really made me really angry and upset at the same time. As much as I hate her for it, it is unfortunately true. Being perpetually lousy at what you want to excel in is really an unenjoyable feeling. That was my reason for wanting to do theatre as a degree. A one-year plus fight finally ended in my tragic loss. Battle beaten, I have no intentions to stand again.
My mom just said she was "extremely disappointed" with me for not being to make friends here. All I can say is, I never wanted to. Especially not with the people in my course. I refused to believe I was doing Economics. I didnt want anything to prove to me that that is what I am doing, and will be doing for the next 3 years. But it just keeps coming back to me. (duh.) People around me are ALL doing what they chose. Even though there are people who said they're doing it cos it's practical, they BELIEVE in practicality, and hence, they're completely fine with doing econs. Even people who dont deserve to be doing theatre studies are doing it. And now, some singaporeans whom I know, are going for the morocco trip.
I want to shut down completely from the outside world, but I cant, cos that's all I have.
I go for photography opportunities and juggling workshops, auditions and more auditions. But everything involves being with people who are so happy with what they're doing. I just cant bear the thought that I'm not, and I cant be, because I have to report back to "parents". And OBVIOUSLY, they want me to earn loads and loads and loads of money, regardless of whether I am happy.
I know that there are many people out there who believe that one day my dreams will come true. But I need to be able to survive to see that day. And for me, there's no such thing as a future. The future becomes the present eventually, and that's the only tangible thing.
Although, even if I confront my parents one day, I'm not too sure if I'll be able to completely get back on my feet. I suppose I'm just extremely unmotivated yet at the same time, I cant wait to be extremely motivated. Anyway, I wont win. I never have.
Audrey, where are you?
